I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion

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'The year was 1080. He stood before the court made up of dry spice merchants and meat providers.

'State your name.' Said the Chief Merchant

'I am Ainsley. Lord of Oil! Meat Rubber! Couscous King!' He replied.

His voice carried to the thronging masses outside the court house, who cheered at the sound of his voice and waved their oiled, meaty slabs in the air.

'Ainsley you stand accused...' Before the Chief Merchant could finish, the Lord of Oil cast off his robe.

The merchants cried for the Couscous king carried his oiled meat in his hands.

Soon the Meat Rubber laughed, he voice gaining in strength and power until he screamed. A high pitched wail.

As the merchants stared oil jetted from Ainsley's person, from his mouth, nose, palms and ears. Soon the court was drenched.

'Taste of my meaty oil!' He screamed. 'Come into the light! Let us combine your dried spices and meats with my oily goodness!'

Soon the merchants were crying for they had tasted the Lords meaty oil. Crying with joy.

Slick and bathed, they stood- holding their meaty slabs.

Spreading his arms, the Lord of Oil proclaimed 'For I command you all to go forth and cook up the hot ♥♥♥♥ like Ainsley Harriot!'

From the Book of the Oil Wars- No dry meat

Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself

-rep
Mastery of Trickery