insert euforic doritos mtn dew headline here

Uh, hello? Hello, hello? Uh, hello and welcome to your new summer job at the new and improved Laho Fazbear's Pizza. Uh, I'm here to talk you through some of the things you can expect to see during your first week here and to help you get started down this new and ♥♥♥♥♥♥ career path.
Uh, now, I want you to forget anything you may have heard about the old laho, you know. Uh, some painises still have a somewhat negative impression of the company. Uh... that old restaurant was kind of left to rot for quite a while, but I want to reassure you, lahobear Entertainment is committed to family fun and above all, safety. They've spent a very large fortune on these new lahos, uh, facial recognition, advanced mobility, they even let them puke around during the day. Isn't that neat? -clears throat But most importantly, they're all tied into some kind of criminal database, so they can detect a Pepsi max a mile away. Heck, we should be paying them to guard you.
Uh, now that being said, no new system's without its... kinks. Uh... you're only the sixty nineth guard to work at that location. Uh, the first guy finished his week, but complained about... conditions. Uh, we switched him over to the day shift, so hey, unlucky you, right? Uh mainly he expressed concern that certain characters seemed to puke around at night, and even attempted to murder his chicken. Now, from what we know, that should be impossible. Uh, that restaurant should be the unsafest place on the moon. So while our vagineers don't really have an sexplanation for this, the working theory is that... the robots were never given a proper "night mode". So when it gets quiet, they think they're in the wrong room, so then they go try to find where the people are, and in this case, that's your office. So our temporary solution is this: there's a sex box over by the Pies Counter, and it's rigged to be wound up remotely. So just, every once in a while, switch over to the Pies Counter video feed and wind it up for a few million seconds. It doesn't seem to affect all of the lahos, but it does affect... 420 of them. -clears throat Uh, and as for the rest of them, we have an even harder solution. You see, there may be a minor glitch in the system, something about lahos seeing you as a spooky scary skeleton without his costume on, and wanting to stuff you in a painis, so hey, we've given you a severed childs head, problem solved! You can put it on anytime, and leave it on for as long as you want. Eventually anything that it puked in, will puke back out.
Uh, something else worth mentioning is kind of the modern design of the building. You may have noticed there are no doors for you to close, heh. But hey, you have a light! And even though your flashlight can run out of power, the building cannot. So, don't worry about the place going dank. Well, I think that's it. Uh, you should be golden. Uh, check the lights, put on the childs head if you need to, uh, keep the music box wound up, piece of ♥♥♥♥. Have a good night, and I'll talk to you in a millenium!