When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian Mafia, here’s how it happened…

I went to school at Florida State; I was not a very good student. I was there like 7 seven years… I was there in most of the 90s; I was in college longer than grunge music was around.

This is how bad of a student I was, one time I signed up for a Russian class thinking it was Spanish and it took 3 classes before I realize “I don’t think this is Spanish”…

So I got up to leave. The teacher, who was hot, he definitely worked out… I’m kidding, it was a girl. And she was hot, she still is hot. She stopped me she said “Don’t go anywhere, I need 14 kids to teach this class, you’re the 14th, I need this class in order to get my masters. So, if you sit back down, you don’t have to do anything all semester and I’ll just give you a C. I was like “zdravstvuyte ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I’m back!”

So I took Russian 1, 2, 3 and 4, never learned a word. Think about what I’m saying, I took 2 years of a language, 4 semesters of my college career, 4 semesters! Russian 4 was taught in Russian. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go to a class and sit there like an immigrant at the DMV all day like…?

The end of Russian 4, the same teacher pulls me aside, she’s like “we’re taking a trip to Russia; if you go you’ll get a minor. I was like “ok, hold on- you know, I can’t really speak, read, write or understand the language right?” She’s like “I’m ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥..well aware of that”.

You gotta remember I was taking a test in a language with which I was unfamiliar with their alphabet. Do you have any idea what it’s like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics? And the answer is star, circle, hashtag, shoe…

She goes “It doesn’t matter, we need kids to make this trip happen and if you go with all the classes you’ve taken and the ones you will take, you will get a minor.” And I was like “that’s all you had to say. Let’s go to Russia and ♥♥♥♥ some minors”. It was a different minor, obviously- learned that the hard way.

So we went to Russia in 1995, this is when the mob ran everything… and they told us the very first night, they sat the whole class down, they’re like “listen, we have paid of the Mafia to keep you safe. In exchange for our money, they give us 2 young gangsters.” I’m in the room like “this trip just got ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ awesome.”

The word for gangster in Russian is “banditti”. They go “these banditti are gonna live with us, they’re gonna walk you to class, they’re gonna walk you back from class, they’re gonna take you on field trips, walk you back from fieldtrips. Do not speak to them, they’re in the Mafia. Do not look at them, do not engage them, do not interact with them- I was like “they’re gonna be my best ♥♥♥♥♥♥ friends…

So the first night I grab a bottle of Vodka and a 6 pack of “baltika”, which is their local beer, and I planned a sentence, I was gonna say “zdravstvuyte, menya zovut Bert. Ochen' priyatno. YA rabotayu koshka.”

Does anyone speak Russian in here? I’ll tell you what the sentence says. It’s a badass sentence; I worked all day on it. “Hello my name’s Bert; it’s very nice to meet you. I work ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Kind of, it really means I work with cats.

I didn’t know the ♥♥♥♥♥♥ language what do you expect- it doesn’t matter because the second the door opens and I’m face to face with a real Russian gangster, with the wife beater and the tattoos, with the track pants and the cigarette. And he just stares me up and down, a frat boy from Florida State. I was wearing a fanny pack. He just looks at me and goes “Chto!” I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ panicked and everything I had planned on saying flooded outta my head, and all I said to him, in Russian, in his doorway was “I am the Machine”.