i was just trying to jerk off like a normal, emotionally unstable adult when my bluetooth headphones connected to the living room speaker instead of my phone. next thing i know, the 2007 browser-quality moaning i queued up is echoing through the house like the opening scene of a horror movie. i panicked, threw my phone across the room like that would stop the sound. it didn’t. it got LOUDER. like the bluetooth gods said “nah, let’s embarrass this man in HD.” my mom screamed. the dog barked. my grandpa yelled “turn off that devil noise” from upstairs. i tripped over a laundry basket, pulled a muscle in my back, and hit my head on a dresser mid-stroke. i was in PAIN. physical, emotional, spiritual. i finally shut it off and just laid there, pants halfway down, contemplating my entire bloodline. i haven’t left my room in 36 hours. i can’t face them. i heard my sister whisper “he’s not the same” this morning.

I need to get this off my chest before I lose what’s left of my sanity. I have actual sexual desires for LeBron James. Like, not just a normal crush — I’m talking full-on, fantasies where I’m literally masturbating while watching his highlights. And I’m not even ashamed anymore.

I remember whispering, “King James, king james” while fingering myself. I have so much I mean SO MUCH POSTER OF HIM IN MY ROOM. Friends tell me to get help, but honestly, who do you call when your biggest sexual frustration is a six-foot-nine basketball god you’ll never meet?

At this point, I think my brain’s just using LeBron as a coping mechanism for everything wrong in my life. Like, maybe if I imagine him helping me out my emotional pain as hard as he blocks shots, I’ll feel less pathetic. Or maybe I’m just one move away from losing my damn mind. I hope I meet him in real life.

+rep would beat him again

+rep wife material

+rep a true black king

mf sold heroin 5 days ago